Confessions from a Self Help Junkie.

I am an over achieving, self help junkie.  I admit it, I work every program I can get my hands on.  I work alone under the cover of darkness and I work with the help of small  groups where I consistently embarrass myself by giving to much information.   I work on-line self help programs and out myself to total strangers from God knows where.   If I can just pound the information into my head until it sticks I know I’ll be ok.  If I can craft the perfect question, some guru from the middle of India will bless me with a magic answer.  I’m sure of it.  In the mean time things happen.  Doubts creep in and artists block trys to stop me in my tracks.   Here is the fool proof method I have found for getting through it.  Shhh, it’s a secret until I publish my own series of self help books.

I get out of bed in the morning, I shower and put on clean clothes.  Then I trot myself out to my studio and I go to work.  That’s it.  I go to work.  Bad feelings and self doubts are going to come.  Insecurities are going to keep popping their nasty little heads up and sometimes, God forbid, I get caught not being very nice about it.  But I still go to work.  That is my saving grace.  When the blocks come I go to work.  When the doubts come,  I work harder.  Before long those doubts and bad feelings go back to the hole they crawled out of and I can take a breath of sweet, untainted air and enjoy that brief, blissful moment of perfection before they return.

Someday a self help program will come along that will give me permission to stop working.  I will live a beautiful and creative life that doesn’t involve constant work and constant striving for improvment.  Until that day comes you can find me in my studio, probably 7 days a week doing what I do best, working.

Further Stories from the Rabbit Trail

The first thing I do when I get to my studio each morning is sit and check my e-mail, no small task.  Lately there has not been much to look forward to or get excited about.  This morning was the exception I’ve been waiting for.  I received an opportunity to take another step forward.   It was a call for submissions to Glass Line Magazine. The submissions will be juried by a panel of expertly qualified professionals in the field of glass beads.  Immediately the committee in my head said “no, no, no don’t waste your time.  Don’t do it, it will be expensive, time consuming and you are not good enough to be considered.”  But even with that thought running through my head I knew I would throw my hat in the ring.  I would need not just good, but great photos.  I need not just an adequate bio and artist statement, but a masterfully crafted one. Submitting will mean that I take my very best work and give it to the public for free along with detailed instructions on how they can reproduce it.

I’ve never been a big fan of having my style reproduced.  I prefer to maintain it in a way that is immediately recognizable, just as my other jewelry contemporaries are immediately recognizable to me.  Recently though I was listening to  Bob Proctor, It’s Not About the Money. One of the things he says in this audio book is that he is never afraid to tell anyone every single thing that he has ever done to achieve success. He will keep nothing to himself, just freely share all of the secrets that it has taken a lifetime for him to figure out. The first time I heard that I broke out in a sweat. I thought of the dozens of people in the surrounding area who come to my studio looking for inspiration, tips, tricks and techniques that I have had to work, sweat, think through, practice and pay through the nose for. Give this away for free?  Are you kidding? It’s not fair, it’s not right.  Now I’m going to put my glass working techniques out there too?  No way, I won’t do it. Except that I will do it because Bob Proctor is right.  The more we give away, the more comes back to us.  Even though there will be some people who do reproduce my work, they will not do it in the same way and my guess is that it will lead me down a new rabbit trail.  This new trail will re-infuse me with the excitement that I used to feel, giving a new vitality and energy to what I do.

So write my bio, artist statement and detailed instructions I will. I’ll give it away for free and I’ll do it with a smile because I know I am the winner. I’ll do it knowing that I could be overlooked completely, I could be laughed out of the community and I could be snubbed.   I prefer to believe that I will be accepted and published in this journal. It has been on my list of hoped for accomplishments for three years running.  And after all, someone will be chosen, why not me.  I’ve got nothing to lose, everything to gain and my life will pass whether I do it or not.

Sometimes You Gotta Go For Broke

I am within six weeks of closing my Gallery for the season. This is a tricky time when my artists mind has to move from thinking about keeping enough inventory in stock to thinking about selling it so I’m not sitting on a large investment. It’s a tricky balancing act. I like to see big smiles and the little spark of inspiration that appears in my guests eyes when they see new pieces. My logical brain says, “don’t produce new things, don’t buy that gorgeous strand of faceted citrine rondelles. Wait until spring.”  My logical mind rarely wins these arguments. When the right strand of stones meets that glass bead that has been sitting under my counter for a couple months I have to move on it.  There is no arguing with what the bead wants.  There is even less room to argue with what the artist wants.

This whole line of thinking runs counter intuitive to my upbringing.  I grew up in a rural community that did most of their discretionary shopping at the dime store.   An expensive piece of jewelry was not a diamond, it was something mass produced for JC Penny and probably came out in the Christmas catalogue.  As I found myself getting deeper and deeper enmeshed in the world of beads and jewelry design there would always be a battle between trying to keep things at a low price and my desire for those exquisite strands of gemstones with the beautiful cuts. Ten years ago I was also cautious when selecting my findings.   Spending more than $10 on a clasp would give me the cold sweats.  Then the day came when I said to myself, “go ahead and buy that great clasp. Someone will love it.”   Giving myself permission was the best move I ever made.  It allowed me room to make statement pieces that spoke to my heart.   Practicality began to slowly give way and was replaced by joy, inspiration and bravery.

Essentially I learned that sometimes the logical move is not the right move.  Sometimes I have to take a risk, cross my fingers and hope like hell that it pays off.  For today, that risk was pairing one of my gorgeous handmade Cathedral beads with an incredible strand of 36 mm faceted amethysts all separated by big ol Bali Beads.  Practical?  Absolutely not!  Beautiful?  Without question!  Time will tell if that risk will pay off.  I have time.  I have plenty of time and while I wait for the payoff I get to look at this incredible piece of jewelry anticipating the spark that will light up the eyes of its future owner.   Ultimately that is the biggest payoff.